Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
did you just send me my own nude
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
