I wish you could order shots online.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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