Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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