the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
