Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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