Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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