i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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