I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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