I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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