Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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