My sheets look like a crime scene.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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