she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
