Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
