I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
