Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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