Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
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