in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
