When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
