did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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