I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
