I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
