I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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