Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
