My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
