rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
