i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
