sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
