i think my tv is drunk
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
