I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
