I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
