anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
