if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
