my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
