I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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