Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
