Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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