My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
