I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
