ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
