I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
