i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The Olympian is in my bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
