Your mouth is God's brothel.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
