My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
