6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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