Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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