Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize