just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
