the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
