My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
