I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
