I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
