Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
