I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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