Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
