You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
