Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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