Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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