New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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